As I watch the couple making love, I breathe and feel.

As I watch the couple making love, I breathe and feel.

I notice a pressure in my heart area.

My heart chakra is shivering.

Even though I am able to see the beauty in the scene, I have difficulties in staying present.

My heart pounds.

There is this pressure.

I get flash backs.

I see myself standing on the school yard, everyone turning their faces away. I stand alone. And I know there is no help or compassion there.

It’s like I am both thrown to the wolves, and at the same time being all alone, without any protection.

I realize that my primal brain, the reptile parts of me is activated. 

Fight, flight, play dead, tend and befriend… thats all there is in this moment.

I realize that my primal brain ”knows” that I am in danger, that I risk to die, because no one can survive totally alone, out in the wild.

As I continue watching the couple making love, I breathe in to the fear, into the tightness in my chest. I succeed in breaking at least half free from the grip of the primal brain. I am able to think and feel, and not panicking. And I feel the loneliness. The fear of not belonging. The fear of having no protection. The fear of dying from neglect, and non-compassion. 

I feel it. And I survive.

And I learn that there is still so much fear in my system.

They turn towards me, they ask me to join them, they open their arms, they embrace me.

I am still shivering. I am alive. 

And I long for a time, when my primal brain isn’t so active. Or does it still need to protect me?